The Secret Society of Losers
by InfiniteUniverses
Summary: Dave and John make a secret society but they don't do anything except eat pizza in the dark until Karkat comes along and actually tries to do something about it. Then there are all of the crazy events that follow after that.


"Dave I-" Karkat began as he stormed into his boyfriend's dorm room. Karkat wasn't sure what he expecting, because Dave was always doing something silly and strange, but this was not it.

Dave and John were sitting in Dave's dorm with the lights off, and eating pizza by candle light. They two dorks were both wearing black cloaks with the hoods up as they chewed their Domino's pizza and watched Fairly Odd Parents on Nickelodeon.

"Uh . . ." Dave said as he saw Karkat standing in the doorway. "This isn't what it looks like."

"I actually have no idea what this looks like," Karkat replied. "And I'm not sure I want to know what braindead imbecilic shithead shit you two horseshitting pimplesqueezing assclowns are doing."

"Come in and close the door," John instructed Karkat standing up.

"I just said I didn't want to know so I am going to shut the door and leave," Karkat stated as he began to close the door and step back into the hallway.

"No you saw us come in," Dave insisted. He got up from his seat and dragged Karkat back inside his dorm, shutting the door behind him.

"Now that you're forcing me in here, what the fuck are you two doing?" Karkat decided to ask on what his boyfriend and his best friend were doing, though he would probably regret it.

"This is our secret society," Dave announced.

"Your what?" Karkat replied.

"Secret society," John repeated. "It's like a club but it's very exclusive and its secret so only the people in the club knows what happens during club meetings."

"And it's very secret," Dave added. "You know, it could be satanic or a bunch of people planning a new world order. You never know."

"Well, if you two wanted it to be secret, then you should have had locked the door," Karkat retorted.

"I thought John locked the door," Dave stated.

"I thought Dave locked the door," John stated.

"Wonderful, two idiots planning a new world order," Karkat sighed.

"Oh no, we're not going to plan a new world order," John quickly corrected Karkat.

"We actually have no idea where we're going with this," Dave announced. "We're going to figure that out."

"Then why start a secret society?" Karkat demanded.

"Well I watched a YouTube video and a lot of famous secret societies started with a couple of crazy kids in college and I'd though we'd get the jump," Dave explained.

"But why with John?" Karkat then asked.

"I was watching the video with him," John explained.

"And so your meetings just consist of you two sitting in the dark by candle light, eating pizza in robes and watching Nickelodeon?" Karkat asked.

"It matters what's on what channel," John replied.

"You two are idiots. This is the Secret Society of Idiots," Karkat sighed.

"That's actually a good name," Dave commented.

"No it isn't," John argued.

"You two haven't even thought of a name!?" Karkat exclaimed.

"Well we've been busy buying cloaks and eating pizza," Dave argued. "It's hard to find a place that will sell you quality cloaks for a secret society and will take you seriously when you tell them that you need the cloaks for a secret society."

"Yeah, we ended up buying these cloaks from a satanic store," John added. "That was hidden behind a strip bar."

"This is probably one of your stupidest ideas," Karkat sighed.

"You want in?" Dave then asked.

"Why not?" Karkat shrugged as Dave handed him a cloak and Karkat snatched a slice of pizza before sitting down in the spare beanbag chair.

"You'll have to go through initiation," John informed Karkat.

"You guys don't have an initiation," Karkat stated.

"True," Dave agreed. "But when we do come up with one, you'll have to go through it."

"No I won't, because if I'm the one helping you two bulgefucking huge asswads coming up with the initiation, the name, and anything else in this secret society because all you two are motivated to do is sit around and watch Nickelodeon," Karkat replied. "So I'm basically a founding member."

"Alright so Kitkat," Dave turned to his boyfriend. "What will our name be, oh great swami?"

"Hey! Suggestions first!" John interrupted.

"No, we are not naming ourselves the Secret Society of Nic Cage," Karkat informed John.

"It's the Nic Cage Secret Society of Awesomeness and it's a great name," John argued.

"Well if we're doing suggestions," Dave began.

"And we are not naming ourselves the Snoop Lion Secret Society of Irony," Karkat sighed.

"Its Snoop Dog now," Dave corrected Karkat, scoffing as though he was offended.

"That guy needs to decide on his name," John commented.

"Right," Dave agreed.

"Hhm," Karkat pondered. "How about the Sburbia Society of God Tiers?"

"It's mysterious," John began.

"It's cool," Dave continued.

"And it's a bit freaky," John added. "If you didn't play Sburb."

"It's perfect," Dave and John said at the same time.

"So we are the Sburbia Society of God Tiers," Karkat declared.

"So does that mean that we base our secret society on Sburb?" John then asked.

"I guess?" Karkat shrugged. "I guess we would all be labeled by our god tiers."

"Cool, something to make it a bit creepy," Dave commented. "You know, to the public. They'd be all like 'what's the knight of time mean' and someone else would be like 'it's satanic' and it would be awesome."

"So what's the initiation?" John asked.

"We should try and make it seem really creepy," Dave began. "Like we have a bed and we paint their aspect on it-we'll have to figure out a way to choose people's aspects-and make it seem really creepy. They'll lay on their bed for some time trying to freak out the new person and then when the time's up, we'll just be like 'okay get up you loser you're a member here's your card now let's party'. And maybe half-way through they'll freak out or something and leave, but if they do make it through we have a party and it'll be awesome."

"I like that," Karkat agreed. "It's a good way to test people to see if they're up for it. If they're a wimp, then they'll run out, but if they're strong they'll stay-and it's actually harmless."

"I dunno I was thinking of something that would actually inflict pain," John commented.

"I was thinking more mental than physical pain," Karkat argued.

"Like we tell the kid to take off their shirt and we paint an 'x' on their chest or something and we whisper into their ear 'x marks the spot' or something to freak them out even further," Dave suggested.

"Wow, this is borderline satanic," John realized.

"Yeah but then the rest of the time we'll be like partying and stuff and raising money for charities or whatever secret societies do," Dave argued.

"Okay," Karkat agreed. "I like that idea."

"Okay, I'm on board as long as we can do the 'x marks the spot' thing," John agreed.

"Cool. Is the meeting abjured Mr. Chairman?" Dave asked Karkat.

"Since when am I chairman?" Karkat demanded.

"All who want Karkat as chairman raise your hand," Dave stated as he raised his own hand in the air. John followed suit and stuck his own hand in the air.

"It's two to one, you're chairman," Dave stated.

"Alright," Karkat shrugged. "Turn on the light."

Dave turned on the light as John began to blow out the candles. As Karkat put all of the cloaks back under Dave's bed from whence they came, the door knob to Dave's room jiggled, followed by a series of rapid knocks at the door.

"Uh, Dave?" Frank, Dave's roommate called through the door. "Are you there?"

"I'm in the middle of something Frank," Dave replied back. It was no secret that Dave didn't like his roommate, mostly because he thought that Frank was a wimp.

"Dave!" Karkat groaned out of exasperation. They were all done with the meeting and there was no evidence besides the empty pizza box that there was ever a meeting so there was no good reason to leave Frank out of his room.

"Oh, okay . . . uh, sorry. I didn't know-I didn't mean to-uh I'll come back later," Frank replied through the door. The three boys were silent until frank's footsteps were gone. John and Dave burst out laughing as Karkat's cheeks glowed red.


End file.
